Crossfit: fear and loathing

Today we did dead lifts as part of the warm-up.  When I first started crossfit I was afraid of deadlifts; as in so scared I would cross to the other side of the street.  But at some point (I really don’t recall when) I did 135#.  Then shortly after I did 165#.  A couple of months later I was balking at 175# and the trainer (TC) stopped what he was doing, came across the gym to where I was standing, and said “you have to to this.” He said this in such a way as to make me understand that I did indeed need to do that.

So I did. Lifted it right up.  Eventually I got up to 215# which is where I’m currently stalled out at.  I’m backing off a bit, down to 195# so I can get the form 100% correct.  But sooner or later, that 220# bar is going to have to come off the floor.  Otherwise I can’t get to 300#. But that moment when I did that 175# was an important moment for me.

Now here’s the hard part: not being able to move those heavier weights is embarrassing, because I see lots of other athletes who can easily pick up much more weight then what I’m struggling with.  About a dozen of them are women.  I see their names on the whiteboard. So you can add gender bias to the mix of emotions at my Crossfit workout. It takes about all the discipline I have not to be jealous, or angry, or spiteful or just generally cranky about that.

Add that to the fact that even though I know I’m getting stronger, I’m not even close to where I’d like to be.  I do a 15 minute workout and there are several people at 10 or 11 minutes for that same workout.  I think I need to work harder.

I also think that ego is not the right trainer.  Leaving nothing on the table during a workout does not mean being stupid, or greedy.  There are always going to be athletes who are stronger then me.  Somewhere in all of this there is a lesson about patience, resolve, and discipline.  Just right now I’m not sure what it is.  I’ll be at the box tomorrow and maybe I’ll find out.

Cheers.